In the trenches

My boys have lots of cousins being born this year.  Five to be exact - unless anyone wants to announce something to increase that figure.  

Earlier this week, I took Carter to his six monthly paediatrician appointment.  Carter has a lot of appointments.  He had three this week and that is fairly typical for him.  This appointment his doctor asked whether we wanted to do further genetic testing by referring Carter to a geneticist.  He has had genetic screening done to help determine the cause of his developmental issues, but this test only screens for the more common genetic conditions and came up with nothing.  

The therapies and treatment will likely stay the same, but it would be good to know we have done all we can to find answers.  The doctor also pointed out it is worth checking to see if there is a genetic cause for any future children we may have.  

I quickly explained we aren't planning any more children as we have been advised my spine isn't stable enough and it would  mean a very difficult life for our family.  We are okay with this and although it wasn't what we planned a decade ago, we feel blessed to have Tony and Carter.

Later that afternoon, I realised we are past the 'young children' phase of life now.  We don't have babies or toddlers and won't again.  Our 'baby' is seven years old.  It hit me a little hard as I came to the realisation we are in a different stage of parenting now.  

I know each parenting stage will come with it's own challenges and learning curves, but now that we don't have babies or toddlers in our house, I feel like we have climbed out of the trenches.  That was what parenting young children felt like - being in the trenches.  You are exhausted, unshowered, covered in food or bodily fluids, and trying to survive.  It's rough! 

But there is also this weird comraddery that unites you with other parents of little ones.  You just 'get' each other.  You make eye contact in the supermarket, or the park, or the doctors waiting room, and with mutually glazed eyes and matching dark circles and 'Mum pony tails', you know you are battling the same war.  The fight against laundry and dishes in the quest for sleep. 

But there is also so much joy.  Amongst the hardship, you are making and raising people! That's pretty awesome.  The very idea that we create and mold little versions of ourselves is crazy when you think about it. Little people who love and adore you and place you on a ridiculously high pedestal until they get old enough to see that you are indeed only human.  We are in this stage now - they now know we are capable of mistakes.  We aren't their whole world anymore, we share their hearts with teachers and friends etc.

I love that we can tuck our boys in now and know we probably won't hear from them for a good eight hours because they sleep through the night.  I love that we can leave the house without a half hour of preparation.  I love not having to buy nappies (not wipes though, I can't see me ever not buying wipes - they are a multi-purpose wonder).  A part of me will miss the baby and toddler stage that is now a part of our past, because it is witnessing a miracle grow and develop right before your eyes.  The intense blend of love and exhaustion is a unique experience I wouldn't trade for anything.

But we are past that now.  We are sticking our head up out of the trenches and seeing what the world of parenting has in store for us next.  

Cats and dogs call a truce

My children fight.  Daily.   

They fight over anything, and some days  it feels like everything. 

Who got the bigger half of a Zooper Dooper. Who gets to sit in the preferred car seat.  Who is playing with which wrestler.  It goes on and on.  

Siblings are 'safe' to fight with I guess.  I remember feeling this way with my five siblings.  They can't suddenly decide not to be your sibling anymore.  So we feel all our feelings out in the open and it ends up spewing all over those we love most.  It's not ideal, but it happens.  

Because our boys fight like cats and dogs, I treasure the moments they get along.  I treasure them, but I dare not vocalise how nice it is to see them getting along so well, as the second those words pass my lips, it's like I cursed them both and it all falls apart into fighting again.  

They fought a lot over the weekend, and thankfully Monday rolled around and they had to go back to school because I got sick of refereeing their little dramas.  We try to teach them to resolve things themselves as much as possible, but we need a third child so their vote doesn't always end in one vs one with us needing to make the final call.

This afternoon, Tony mentioned something small, that was actually a 'big something'.  We almost could have missed it.  He said he left his hat at his friends house that morning and that his friend would bring it to school tomorrow.  

That could have been it.  But thankfully we asked a follow up question.  

Seeing as their school has the "no hat, no play" rule, I asked Tony what he did at lunch then with no hat.  He said Carter was nice and gave him his hat to use for the day.  I could see it wasn't a big deal to him.  I asked;

"What about Carter?  If you had his hat, what did he do?"

And Tony shrugged his shoulders and replied;

"Oh he probably just played handball under the covered play area."

Carter came down the hallway right then so we asked what he did at lunch time and who he played with seeing as he couldn't play in his normal area without a hat.  

He said matter-of-factly;

"I had to stay under cover so I didn't really play with anyone."

 He didn't seem to mind, but I saw Tony's face drop when he realised that Carter giving up his hat for Tony meant Carter was giving up his play time with his friends, but that he did it willingly for Tony.  Tony had just assumed he had still been able to play with his friends, but when he learned what had really happened, he sat next to Carter and have him a hug and thanked him.  

They have spent the rest of the afternoon playing perfectly together.  I know it could have been missed, and that they will probably go back to fighting again tomorrow, but I'm so glad that for an afternoon they can see each other the way we always hope they can. 

Where were child services?

Whilst my boys are at school each day, I think of them multiple times every hour.  I hope they are having fun, trying their best, being kind to others, listening to their teachers, and putting their darn banana peels into the bin instead of back into their lunch boxes. It's like putting your hand into a box of slugs.  

Every so often, I get a call from the school.  I have their number programmed  into my phone so when I see it, a little bit of panic washes over me for a second.  

What could this be about?

I hope the boys are ok.

Is one of them sick?

What in heavens has Carter been up to this time? 

Now generally speaking, the last one is just me jumping to conclusions.  GENERALLY. 

Let's go back about two weeks ago.  I get a call from Carter's teacher informing me he was out of sorts that day and that during reading time, he said he was sick. She said she didn't think I would have sent him to school unwell and that she saw him running around the playground earlier on and he seemed fine, but she wanted to check just to be sure. 

I told her no, he wasn't sick, just the king of avoidance and that he can be very creative if needs be.  She then started laughing and told me just how creative he had been.  

After the "I'm sick" routine failed, old Tarts tried "I'm tired" instead.  To make his story more believable, he decided some extra detail was necessary.  Apparently he said;

"I'm so tired.  I'm just really, really tired because I didn't have ANY sleep. I was up ALL night getting smacks so I'm very tired now!"

With his teacher laughing on the other end of the phone, I sat with my eyes shut shaking my head, not in disbelief - because it did sound like something Carter would say, but more that we have a child that can make accusations like this and no one bats an eye lid.  I'm hoping our time at school with Tony has shown we are not child-beaters who keep our children up ALL night for a good 'ol smacking.

It either says something about us, or a whole lot about Carter.  Either way, I have no doubt there is a great deal more humiliation in our future. 

Just a follow up

I mentioned this a little while ago while I was undergoing tests, but as a follow up - I have Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. I was diagnosed and started medication in January.

After a few scans and tests, my neurologist found scarring on my brain consistent with epilepsy.  

It's both good and bad. Good because I suspected epilepsy anyway, and it's good to have some answers after all this time. 

But, bad because I now cannot drive until I am 6 months seizure free whilst on medication.  Every seizure I have means I have to start at day one again which gets pretty frustrating.  The longest I have made it is 8 days.

My seizures have also had an effect on my memory.  I really started to notice it late last year, but even now, sometimes things happen that I don't recall, but the only answer is that I did it, but just don't remember.  

It's incredibly inconvenient being a mother and not being able to drive. It's frustrating losing another piece of independence.  It's tough not being able to remember things when I have always relied on a good memory.  

It's also incredibly humbling to have people close to me offer to help.  People who help get our children to school, take me grocery shopping, and allow for the adjustment it has been on our family.  I don't ever wish for challenges, but they do show me time and time again how blessed I am to have such incredible people in my life.

Mr. Tarts turns seven

Our boys have such differing natures.  Carter likes the spotlight, and Tony likes the peace and quiet.  They just came that way.  We love the dynamic they bring to our family with their individuality.  

Today, is our big baby's special day.  He is 7 years old.  He has been counting down to this day for quite some time now and it's finally here (thank goodness). 

Anyone who knows Carter will know what a character he is.  He feels emotion to the highest degree.  Perhaps it's part of his disability, or perhaps it's just who he is - I don't know.  If he wants to give you a kiss, he doesn't just give you a peck on the cheek, he throws his arms around your neck and really plants one on you - teeth and all.  If he is sad, it isn't just a few rolling tears, it's a soap opera.  

Days with Carter are both hard, and full of joy.  He hasn't had it easy from the get-go.  Nothing comes easy for him.  Watching other children learn to hold a pencil, colour in, write their name, or dress themselves is like us in Australia learning English.  It takes some effort, but being immersed in it makes makes it seem almost natural.  For Carter, it's like learning a foreign language.  A different language each time he needs to learn a new skill.  It's hard work and it's constant. 

But his enthusiasm for life means he doesn't give up.  He keeps on working.  We have tantrums, and we have great success.  I know any parent of a child with special needs will understand this. 

There are some gifts that do seem just ingrained in Carter though.  He never had to learn these things. He is incredibly generous.  He will share everything he has, even if it means forcing it on you.  He loves to help if it means making someone else's life easier.  He has a compassionate nature that is far beyond his years.  And my favourite, he simply loves people.  He loves to talk to people at the train station, at the supermarket, in the doctors waiting room, people serving us at the cash register, and our personal favourite - telemarketers!  He genuinely enjoys getting to know someone.

I am already a life-time's worth of proud of our spunky little dude, but can't wait to see what's ahead for him.  

Happy Birthday Mr. Tarts

Those four letter words

Two weeks ago, Carter discovered some rather 'colourful' language and shared said discovery at a very inappropriate moment.  

Parenting is an embarrassing experience.  It's wonderful, but it's utterly humiliating at times.  My logical side knows children come with their own little personalities and quirks, but they are also an extension of their parents in many ways and so when something embarrassing happens, I feel that humiliation 100%.  

Carter is a music lover and enjoys watching his favourite songs on YouTube at times.  Lately, it's been watching old Wiggles songs.  Two years ago he was a big Wiggles fan but that had tapered off.  He recently stumbled upon a Wiggles clip and it unleashed the floodgates of Wiggles videos into our house yet again.  Unfortunately, there are some weirdos out there who think it's amusing to make up Wiggles videos and adding in a variety of swear words - words we thus far haven't heard from our children's mouths. 

Go back a fortnight and we were at church.  It was all finished and it was time to go home. As we were getting ready to head off to the car, Carter expressed he wanted to keep playing with the other children and ran off.  Anthony followed him into the crowded foyer and managed to grab hold of his hand and told him it was time to go. Carter turned around and yelled out:

"Let go of me, you d***!"

Did I mention the foyer was crowded??

When pressed as to where he had heard such a word, Carter though about it and said:

"Ummmm.... I think it was Jesus."

Now I have my concerns at times about how Carter will do academically and what his future holds, but then I see how clever and crafty he is on his feet and a wave of pride washes over me.  

I just wish it wasn't over his lying about where he heard such inappropriate language and placing the blame on Jesus!

We finally got it out of him that he heard it on a Wiggles video on YouTube.  He also followed this up with two other 'new' words that same day.  Between trying to stifle shocked giggles, Anthony and I were appalled! 

Thankfully such language has died down, but I have been waiting for the moment when his crankiness and impulsivity gets the better of him and he lets one slip out again.  

But, his love of police shows may have solved our problems. I watched an episode of Police Ten 7 with Carter as he loves police shows.  In this particular episode, three separate people were arrested for verbally assaulting the police officers.  Carter picked up that the 'bleeps' meant swearing and asked if they were arrested for swearing. I very slowly nodded and told him;

" Yes!  Yes!  They were arrested for swearing.  You are very lucky that no one called the police when you swore or that could happen to you.  I hope you won't be saying those words again."

Carter got a very serious look on his face and said;

"I won't say swear words again.  I will keep the peace cos I dont wanna go to the slammer!"

Thank you TV!!

A decade with my doofus

Ten years ago, Anthony and I were days away from getting married. There were lots of last minute details to attend to, and family who had travelled to spend time with.  It was all so exciting and surreal.  I was absolutely anticipating our "big day", but I was even more looking forward to a life with my best friend.  

During our engagement, we didn't really go out a whole lot.  Partly due to the fact we both worked full-time, but also we were just happy spending time at each other's houses, talking, playing cards, and of course eating.  This time gave me a good indication as to what married life would be like for us; just finding joy and contentment in being near each other.  

Right now, I am lying on our bed and Anthony is in the lounge room.  We have a wall between us as I type, but I feel complete because I know he is near me. Not to sound all "Jerry Maguire", but Anthony absolutely completes me.  I didn't NEED a man to complete me, it wasn't that sort of thing.  But Anthony is so much a part of me now that I don't feel like me without him.  

During our ten years of marriage, we have seen quite a few marriages break down.  It confirms to me even more that life doesn't always go as planned.  Things happen that strain relationships and weigh us down.  It's almost easy sometimes to see how it happens, but for us we have been blessed in that our struggles have brought us together and not divided us. In fact, I would actually go as far as to say we are not strong in spite of our trials, I believe we are strong because of those trials. 

I don't necessarily think we have endured more than anyone else, but I know we have faced our own dark moments.  We have had nearly non-stop health struggles with both myself and Carter.  I was reminded a few days ago that on our honeymoon I was so severely sun burnt I couldn't even have a sheet touch me.  I also had a nasty ear infection that left me vomiting a couple of days.  That should have been Anthony's warning sign of what was to come!  

The thing is, he has never once made me feel like I am a burden to him, or to 'us'.  He takes it all in his stride and gives me a feeling of security that I know he will be beside me in whatever comes.  

I don't believe people, or even marriage, are perfect, but in some strange way, I believe love in itself CAN be perfect. 

When we are tired and cranky and snappy, I know we still love each other.  

When we are crazy busy and like passing ships at times, I know we still love each other and that even though we aren't in each other's presence, we are in each other's thoughts and hearts.  

When Anthony achieves something wonderful, I feel like it's happened to me.

On those occasions when we do have a fight, I still know underneath whatever is bugging us, everything is stable and fine and I am very loved.

We have seen each other ill, exhausted, unkept, unshowered and still see something beautiful.

We randomly come home from the shops with the others' favourite treat just to bring a smile.  

We both have quirks that drive the other nuts and push all the right buttons, but we still love each other.

These are the realities of marriage, and I have found in marriage you can experience a perfect type of love, and that's pretty incredible.  I know it's not a lifetime, but we are a decade in and I have never been happier thanks to my sweetheart, my best friend, my doofus, and my heart.

Happy 10th Anniversary my sweetheart.

I got a good one! 

 

(Big thank you to Tim Coulson for his time and talent)