A decade with my doofus

Ten years ago, Anthony and I were days away from getting married. There were lots of last minute details to attend to, and family who had travelled to spend time with.  It was all so exciting and surreal.  I was absolutely anticipating our "big day", but I was even more looking forward to a life with my best friend.  

During our engagement, we didn't really go out a whole lot.  Partly due to the fact we both worked full-time, but also we were just happy spending time at each other's houses, talking, playing cards, and of course eating.  This time gave me a good indication as to what married life would be like for us; just finding joy and contentment in being near each other.  

Right now, I am lying on our bed and Anthony is in the lounge room.  We have a wall between us as I type, but I feel complete because I know he is near me. Not to sound all "Jerry Maguire", but Anthony absolutely completes me.  I didn't NEED a man to complete me, it wasn't that sort of thing.  But Anthony is so much a part of me now that I don't feel like me without him.  

During our ten years of marriage, we have seen quite a few marriages break down.  It confirms to me even more that life doesn't always go as planned.  Things happen that strain relationships and weigh us down.  It's almost easy sometimes to see how it happens, but for us we have been blessed in that our struggles have brought us together and not divided us. In fact, I would actually go as far as to say we are not strong in spite of our trials, I believe we are strong because of those trials. 

I don't necessarily think we have endured more than anyone else, but I know we have faced our own dark moments.  We have had nearly non-stop health struggles with both myself and Carter.  I was reminded a few days ago that on our honeymoon I was so severely sun burnt I couldn't even have a sheet touch me.  I also had a nasty ear infection that left me vomiting a couple of days.  That should have been Anthony's warning sign of what was to come!  

The thing is, he has never once made me feel like I am a burden to him, or to 'us'.  He takes it all in his stride and gives me a feeling of security that I know he will be beside me in whatever comes.  

I don't believe people, or even marriage, are perfect, but in some strange way, I believe love in itself CAN be perfect. 

When we are tired and cranky and snappy, I know we still love each other.  

When we are crazy busy and like passing ships at times, I know we still love each other and that even though we aren't in each other's presence, we are in each other's thoughts and hearts.  

When Anthony achieves something wonderful, I feel like it's happened to me.

On those occasions when we do have a fight, I still know underneath whatever is bugging us, everything is stable and fine and I am very loved.

We have seen each other ill, exhausted, unkept, unshowered and still see something beautiful.

We randomly come home from the shops with the others' favourite treat just to bring a smile.  

We both have quirks that drive the other nuts and push all the right buttons, but we still love each other.

These are the realities of marriage, and I have found in marriage you can experience a perfect type of love, and that's pretty incredible.  I know it's not a lifetime, but we are a decade in and I have never been happier thanks to my sweetheart, my best friend, my doofus, and my heart.

Happy 10th Anniversary my sweetheart.

I got a good one! 

 

(Big thank you to Tim Coulson for his time and talent) 

Playground showdown

Our boys are like chalk and cheese.  They clash a lot!  I know this is pretty common in siblings.  I remember 'clicking' better with different siblings at different times, but being one of six, if one was annoying me I had four others to go hang out with.  With just the two of them, our boys don't have that luxury - it's either get along or play with yourself (not in THAT way - get your mind out of the gutter!). 

Despite their near constant squabbling, we get glimpses every now and again of the bond that lays beneath the pestering and teasing.  Like when we ask who they want to invite to their birthdays and they say each other right near the top of the list.  

Today something a little sad happened after school, but it brought me so much joy.  

We live right next to a park that has two other cauldersacks that join onto it.  Often different neighbours kids are there playing with one another.  Some we know, some not so much.  

This afternoon some kids came knocking at our door asking if Tony and Carter were allowed to come play.  Before I could say "yes", they were already out the door.

About twenty minutes later they were back.  Tony came in the door first and I asked if they had fun.  He seemed angry and said;

"No!  Because some of those kids are stupid idiots!"

I pressed him to find out why he was so angry and he burst into tears and said;

"Some of them were being mean to Carter.  They had his ball and he was asking for it back but they just kept passing it to each other."

He was really sobbing and it made me both sad and happy at the same time to see how much he cares about his little brother.  

Some of the other kids were being kind and standing up for Carter, but Tony said they still wouldn't give the ball back so after trying verbally to get them to do the right thing, he went and gave one of the bullies a shove.  One of the older bullies told Tony if he shoved the boy again he would get Tony back twice as hard.  Tony admitted he was scared but stepped forward to hold his ground and show he wasn't backing down and they soon went home.  

Tony is rather timid socially and doesn't like confrontation so even though I don't condone violence, I was happy to let this slide and even mentally cheered.  

When it comes to siblings, those bonds are strong.  They have to be to withstand how stretched they are on a day-to-day basis with what we put each other through.  As much as we tease and torment our siblings, when anyone else even tries to do the same, there is no doubt where our loyalties lie.  Just try me. 

Nothing to hide

I want to be clear - I adore my children.  I adore them so much my heart hurts when I am away from them for a night.  I enjoy the freedom of being able to get done what I need to when they aren't there, but I really miss them the minute I see them drive away.  It's an annoying paradox of parenting - wanting/needing a break but missing your children like mad as soon as they are gone.

So just to set the record straight, I love my boys more than chocolate.  In fact, I love most kids.  I am a kid person.  

But I will also be honestt with you.  

Sometimes, kids can be annoying.  

Sometimes, I don't want to play their games because they bore me.

Sometimes, I don't want to share my chocolate with them because with children nothing is really yours alone; except the dishes, no one ever tried to take them from you.  

But they know when I sneak chocolate, they smell it on my breath like bloodhounds.  Sometimes I lie and tell then it's something else, but they know....they definitely know. 

Sometimes, I find myself yelling at my children to "STOP YELLING!"  Even as the words escape my mouth I realise how ludacris it is, but it's too late, I am already past the point of reason. But don't you dare try and tell me of my ludacrisy (a real word?) - or you may just have my wrath turned on you.  Your best bet is to just shove food in my mouth and retreat to a safe distance.  

Sometimes, I just make my kids noodles for dinner because I don't feel like working hard making a meal that I will have CONVINCE/FORCE/BRIBE my children to eat.  Some battles aren't worth my energy. 

Sometimes, I let my children stay up simply because I can't muster the energy to tuck them in (by stay up, I mean 8:30pm instead of 7 pm).  I know they will be tired and cranky the next day but I will deal with that then. 

Somedays, I send my boys to school with Fairybread for lunch and tell then to keep their sandwiches shut so others don't see they are virtually eating sugar on bread.  It's rare, but it happens. 

But most days I lie in bed thankful that despite my tired brain and aching muscles from a busy day, I get to be Mum again tomorrow.  Unless they want to play "guess the wrestling theme song" game again, then I might lock myself in the bathroom for half an hour to get away - I guess you can call it "being Dad".

It's just so cheesy

On Monday, I went to Aldi to grab a handful of items.  My handful had a few heavy items so I needed a trolley. I have one of those Aldi trolley coins on my key ring as I often don't have a dollar coin on me.  

When I went to put my little coin in, I saw the trolley I was getting already had one of the coins in the slot.  I took the trolley and completed my shopping.  At the register I told the attendant that I had found someone else's coin in a trolley.  She said I could just keep it as they get lots left in and if anyone asks for a forgotten one they already have a big collection they can give them one from.  

I know it's nothing huge, but it was one of those little blessings that put a smile on your face.  

After taking the groceries to the car, I went to return the trolley.  When I got there, there was an older gentleman who kindly asked did I have a dollar coin as he didn't have any but needed a trolley.  I told him I didn't have a coin, but I had a spare trolley coin that he could keep if he wanted.  He was very kind and appreciative of such a small gesture.

As I walked back to the car I couldn't help thinking with a cheesy chuckle:

"The Lord giveth....and The Lord taketh away."

Boys and bras

I want to tell you about a rather...ahem....delicate interest of our young Carter.  He is very interested in...my bra.  If he catches a glimpse of one lying around, it will inevitably disappear and be relocated - courtesy of Carter. 

It's not a fascination with what's contained INSIDE said bra (and in my case it's not much anyway), it's the actual bra itself. 

I have asked him about his interest in bras and with a shrug of his shoulders he states matter of factly;

"I just love them!"

When we are out, he publicly asks me what colour my bra is.  

He will also publicly ask to see my bra (I don't know why he bothers - the answer is ALWAYS no).

When he busts into our room while I am getting changed and I shoo him away, he often reminds me;

"Don't forget your bra Mum!"

Granted, the last example does serve a purpose as there are occasions where I do forget, but I think Carter isn't aiming to remind me - it's more a reflection of his fascination.  

Right as I type this, I have called Carter in and asked him why he likes bras so much - purely to gain insight into his crazy little mind.  His answer;

"Cos they're my favourite in the whole world."

Good heavens!  Are we in for a world of trouble or what!!!

Secrets and lies.....well, without the lies

I have been keeping a secret.  For a few years now.  It felt easier to just keep it quiet so I don't have to deal with it, and for the most part I HAVE kept it quiet.  But my secret reveals itself from time to time and what began as a secret that only Anthony knew about has expanded to a few more people, and as of late even more.  

I don't like to talk about it or tell people because I am sick of dealing with things like this.  I want to get on with life and already my back makes that difficult.  I want to be as 'normal' as possible and not have extra things to worry about.  I don't want my health to define me more than it already does.

But for a while now, I have been having seizures.  I didn't know they were seizures at first because they aren't the convulsion type (grand mal seizures).  At first, I actually thought I might be going crazy and having panic attacks, even though I wasn't feeling panicked at the time.  

It starts with a weirdly intense de javu feeling followed by an overwhelming sense of dread in the pit if my stomach.  For a few minutes after this, I feel like I'm trapped in my own head terrified.  I can't tell you what is going on around me during this time.  I'm conscious, but in my own world and kind of shut down.  It feels like I'm slipping away and it's scary.  Then as I come out of it, I'm very sweaty and often have a throbbing headache and nausea for a while after.  It makes my muscles and entire body so tired I feel like I could sleep for days.

The de javu is usually my warning so I can sit down or stop what I am doing.  I felt that as long as I had this warning, it was fairly safe.  

A few months ago, I was preparing a lesson.  I had one of my seizures and couldn't remember any of the lesson I had prepared.  Aside from being annoying, it wasn't too big of a deal.  But then a couple of weeks after that, I came to at about 10:30am on a Sunday morning very confused.  I had no idea what day or month it was.  I had no memory of that morning or the entire day before.  Anthony said I had a seizure in the shower but took longer to come around so he walked me to our bed.  I now remember most of the day prior, but still none of the morning before coming to at 10:30am - it is still as if those 4 hours never happened, like I went to bed the night before and woke at 10:30am the next morning.

For a long time Anthony has been telling me I need to see a doctor about it, but I can be very stubborn and didn't want to.  I promised him that if it progressed at all, I would make an appointment though.  I know it probably wasn't very fair to not let him tell anyone something that was worrying him, but I wasn't ready to deal with it yet.

I know I have buried my head in the sand long enough and need to be sensible so I saw my GP and had to get an EEG and MRI done.  This week I saw a Neurologist who suspects Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, but isn't 100% certain yet without specific tests related to the Temporal Lobe.  He said it's progressed to a point I am having a high number of seizures now so it needs to be addressed.  Nothing too dramatic hopefully, just extra doctors to see and medications to take I imagine.

So there you have it - no more secrets.  I know I hold my cards close to my chest, but my blog is where I say things how I really feel, perhaps things I wouldn't tell people in a casual conversation that we have when I see you. This is my journal though, my only journal, so it's all here.

Social Hibernation

I have been MIA lately it would seem.  Actually, I think I would better describe it as some sort of social hibernation.  I'm not certain this term explains it well, but I know its something I do from time to time - I just sort of 'check out' of certain aspects my life for a little bit.

I sometimes feel guilty that during this time I'm probably not the greatest friend to have as you wont see much of me, but at the same time I'm not sorry for my decision as it is necessary for me.  One of the main reasons I am temporarily absent from the life of my friends at times, is I am trying to take care of myself so I can be the wife and mother I want and need to be.  It has taken me years to get to the point where I understand that for me, this means that sometimes I really need to quieten my life down so I have opportunities for adequate rest and to be able to spend real quality time with my family that I desire so much.  They are my people and they deserve the best of me; not the cranky, short-tempered me that appears when I stretch myself too thin and end up exhausted and in more pain than I know how to handle.  

Part of the joy that comes with age is greater self awareness and assurance.  I am better aware of what I am capable of and know that sometimes, its not much.  I fight against it, but I'm slowly realizing that for me, much of my happiness comes from not feeling overwhelmed and over-scheduled.  I know many people who handle a busy schedule really well, and others who even enjoy being super busy, but I am not one of those people.  I LOVE seeing a day without any doctors appointments or therapies.  I relish knowing I will have dinner finished before the boys all finish school and work so we can spend time together without me shooing people out from under my feet in the kitchen.  I love being able to climb into bed at 8:30pm at night and not be so sore that it will take me hours to get to sleep.

I am incredibly boring in this way, but keeping my life simple brings me immense joy.

I'm not always socially present simply because my body doesn't always let me and sometimes the choice is between being a good friend or a good mother - and for me, that decision makes itself very easily.  This doesn't reflect the love I have for my friends, rather how I can't be "me" without being "Mum" to my boys - they are so intertwined I can't be one without the other.

So to all of you out in the online world who have seen little of me lately, please know you still have my heart, you have not been replaced, I'm not seeing other friends, and it's totally not you - it's me.  I have a dud body that demands my attention, two little men who are my highest priorities, and a best friend/husband who I never get sick of being around, but I am still here.