If it works, it works

I have had a recurring thought this past week.

In my everyday dealings with my little family, I sometimes get short or snappy. It may be that I am feeling stretched with a busy schedule, tired and sore, or just the demands of being a mother, but sometimes I get snappy, and I know it.

This past week, I have had the thought;

"How would I interact with my family if I knew I wasn't going to live much longer? If my time was limited, would I treat them differently?"

The honest answer, is YES.

I know it sounds almost morbid to have these thoughts, but it's not that I actually believe I may die soon, more that I know that nothing brings greater perspective on life... than death.

If I knew my time with my family was limited, I would want that time to be full of kindness and warmth. That is how I would want my family to remember their time with me. I wouldn't be concerned with getting out the door on time and whether or not the boys had mis-matched socks on. I would take the time to watch ABC2 on the couch and to have water fights with the hose.

But before death, there is life, and that means sometimes we have to watch the clock or heaven forbid; wear matching shoes. Having my weird little thoughts pop into my head helps me to treat my family the way they deserve. It's a little sad, but it works. I am finding it easier to be patient.

Because more than them having good memories of their time with me, I want their present with me, their day to day with me, to be filled with warmth.

'Back' to the grind.....get it?

I have been somewhat absent from my blog as of late. I write it as a record of my thoughts, feelings, and the goings on of my life, but as of late, I didn't want to write my thoughts and feelings. I couldn't put my finger on why. It just didn't seem to come like it normally does.

I am booked for more spinal surgery. Come February 2013 I am going under the knife yet again. I need to get some hardware removed and replaced and some new bits added on to stabilize the broken area. This surgery will go from the middle of my back to my pelvis and whilst not being as large as my previous operations, it is still not something I look forward to nonetheless.

I feel like the topic of my back dominates a lot of my conversations and my life and I myself get sick of hearing and thinking about it, but as much as I would like to stop thinking about it, it keeps rearing its ugly head again and again.

In thinking about why I haven't yet written my thoughts and feelings on this upcoming event, I realized it was because I was confused in my feelings.
I hate the idea of more surgery. But I also have something inside me telling me it will all be ok.

I believe part of why we face challenges in life is to experience all facets of mortality, but also to grow as a person.

I learnt and grew a lot with my first spinal fusion. I wasn't keen on a second and more extensive surgery, but the challenged changed me somehow - I'm hoping it was for the better :)

The thing I wonder though, is why is this same challenge before me again? I see how the past experiences were tough and I grew because of it, but I wonder why the same thing over and over again? Have I missed something? Did I not learn what I was supposed to?

When I think about this, I get a real sense of peace that although not easy, it will be ok. I have felt this before. This feeling obviously didn't mean that my back will be completely fine, as I have required more surgery down the track. It also hasn't meant that I won't have to deal with pain, as it is constant still.

But Anthony said something a while ago that comes to my mind now. This is not something I will be able to overcome in this life. It seems my back will always be an issue. The challenge isn't overcoming, it will be enduring.

So perhaps it's not that I 'missed' anything the last two times, it just that this is something to endure. This is the hand I was dealt and although it's tough, there are many other 'hands' I could not cope with. So I will take it and endure it well- with a little help of course :)

Young on the inside

"Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant a helmet? When the worst thing you could get from boys were cooties? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth and Mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings? Race issues were about who ran the fastest? War was only a card game? The only drug you knew was cough medicine? The only thing that hurt you were skinned knees? And goodbyes only meant for tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up." (not sure of the author of this)

Nine years ago, my parents, siblings, and I moved from Adelaide to Sydney. All eight of us.

About eleven months later I got married and moved up to the Central Coast of NSW.

A few years later my sister Jade got married and moved out also. Within a couple of years, my older brother Andrew, younger brother Phil, and younger sister Alyce were all married and leaving the nest.

Shortly after Mum, Dad, and baby (well, the baby to us) sister Rach moved to NZ for Dad's work. Of course we missed them being close by but there was still the five of us still living within an hour of each other.

Two years on and we are now scattered. Alyce and I still live on the Central Coast with our little families. Andrew and Jade are both in Queensland with their own little families. Phil and his wife are in the US, and Mum, Dad, and Rach are still in NZ. It's amazing how fast things change. It's amazing how you suddenly realize you have grown up. I don't know if being a grown up is all it's cracked up to be though. Things get complicated when you become an adult. You get to make all the decisions but they aren't all easy and if you make a bad one; the buck stops with you.

Earlier this week I came home from five days in Brisbane with my older brother Andrew and younger sister Jade and their families. Despite having more distance between us than we ever have in our lives, we are close. I genuinely enjoy their company and feel like I am with friends.  We are parents ourselves now and much has changed in our lives, but it was such a joy to be with them.

But one of the things I like best, is that being with my siblings, I don't feel grown up. We talk about the silly things we used to do as children and the trouble we caused. We call each other by the silly nicknames from decades ago. We discuss how we used to tease one another and the tricks we played on one another.   We are all still eager to remind each other of embarrassing experiences of the past.  We are happy to simply "hang out".

I am thrilled to be back with my three boys and have missed them every minute I was gone, but it's also nice knowing that distance hasn't changed a thing between my siblings and I.  Thanks Jade, Matt, Andrew, and Alex for having me xxx

Little Miss...or Mister?

Last Friday I took Carter to an appointment. We had about 45 minutes til it was school pick up time and it seemed hardly worth going home so instead we went to Medicare. Carter waited patiently and when I checked my watch I realized he had eaten his early lunch nearly 3 hours ago and was probably hungry.

We were close to a shopping complex and I knew there would at least be a McDonalds there so we headed over to find some food.

I have only been to this particular shopping centre a handful of times but we easily found the food court. Before we even thought of sitting, I demanded a toilet stop because Carter seems to time his bladder almost bursting right when we sit down to eat.

I spotted the toilet sign and we headed down the hallway. I saw the 'Parents Room' was occupied so I thought it best Carter just came into the 'Ladies' with me.

I pushed the door open and was overwhelmed by a horrible smell. I hadn't used these toilets before but they were obviously not cleaned very well....or very often.

Wanting to get out asap, I led Carter over to the cubicles to find there was only one cubicle. Feeling rather confused, I turned around spotted the urinal.

Even though I checked the door sign, I somehow still managed to wander into the 'Men's' toilet. We hurried out and passed a very confused man on our way out who stopped in the doorway, did a complete 180 and came back out to check the sign on the door.

Being a horrible Mummy, I put on my serious tone and said to Carter;

"Now Carter, you can't just go running into the toilets, you have to wait for Mummy or you will go into the wrong one."

That's what children are for right?  To throw under the bus to save you own pride.  Sorry son! But I think you owed me one anyway...or many.

Big three O!

My darling husband turned 30 this week. I have known him for nearly 9 years now and been married to him for almost 8 of those years. He is my best friend by a million miles.

Anthony caught my eye from literally the first time I set eyes on him. From VERY early in our relationship, I had a feeling it was going to last a long time - forever. I felt this way because when I imagined my life in the future, I imagined being at home cooking dinner and playing with my children and when I pictured my husband coming through the door at the end of the day, I pictured Anthony being that person. He has been that person and so much more.

Anthony doesn't like a fuss. Seeing as turning 30 is a big deal, it couldn't pass without some celebration, so we planned a casual dinner with family and we had Microwave Jenny come and join us. They sing some of Anthony's (and mine) favourite music and we were thrilled when they squeezed us into their busy schedule. If you haven't heard their music, I STRONGLY suggest you look them up immediately.

Carter dug up a guitar from somewhere and took it upon himself to play backing (not even remotely close to in tune though).

And of course we ate....and we ate....and we ate.  A couple of days later and we are still eating leftovers with more still to go.

So to my darling Anthony, HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY!!!  Ten years til the next big one!!

Mixed emotions

Friday was a day of mixed emotions for me.

One side of our family (Anthony's side) have eagerly been anticipating the return of Anthony's sister, Paige. She has been serving a mission for our church in the US. Aside from about twenty minutes of Skype time total, our only contact with her has been through letters and email.

Anthony has served a mission and understands how wonderful it is, but for those back home, the countdown to their return begins the day they board the plane. This time he was on the waiting end. I could see the excitement building and how thrilled he was to have his sister return home.

We woke up 4:30 AM Friday morning and arrived at the airport by 6am. We secured a spot at the front of the arrival gate armed with a variety of banners and signs. There were nine flights arriving at the same time and it took almost an hour before Paige came through.

Tony and Carter were first to run to greet her. I wondered how well Carter would remember Paige seeing as he was young when she left, but his reaction made me realize he remembered her just fine. It was so nice to see everyones reunion with Paige, but what I loved most seeing was Paige's reunion with her Dad. He waited back til last and after everyone else had greeted her, she tearfully hugged her Dad in the type of embrace that speaks a thousand words.

She was truly missed and whilst everyone was proud of her for her decision to serve a mission, there was such joy in having her home.

On the same day, the other side of our family was experiencing a much different day. My own sister, Jade and her husband Matt welcomed a son into their family two weeks ago. Leo is their first son, and little brother to a very excited big sister, Pacey.

Leo didn't come into this world alone though. He shared his little space inside Jade with a sibling.

In April we all received the exciting news twins were on the way. As the months passed, we also learnt that one of the twins had some features that caused concern and the future was uncertain.

Unfortunately a while later in the pregnancy, there was no longer a heartbeat for the little twin. The doctors thought it best to keep the little one in for the sake of little Leo and so they stayed together til arrival time.

Friday was the day Jade and Matt had the burial for their little baby. They have been so strong and I am so proud of my little sister for the way she has handled everything.

Friday was a day of mixed feelings for me. But I was happy that Paige's homecoming fell on the same day. It made me think of my little niece or nephew who too would have had a joyous home coming awaiting them on the other side. With the beliefs I have, I know there would be family waiting with arms outstretched. I know with certainty there would have been a loving Heavenly Father waiting to welcome His child back home. There is sadness for Jade and Matt who would have loved the opportunity to keep their little baby here with them, but the separation is temporary, and it's a great comfort to know their child is in good hands til that time, perhaps the best hands.

The cheese that broken the camels back

It is a little late to be blogging, but I haven't posted anything for a little while and I have things to be thankful for.  Firstly, I am thankful I have my first nephew!  My sister Jade and her husband Matt welcomed their first son, Leo Buddy Krok, a week ago today.  He is absolutely adorable.  It has been a far from easy pregnancy for them and  I have such admiration for my little sister for the way she has handled it all.

What kind of Aunty would I be without putting up a photo!

Secondly, I have my Mum here for a few days to visit.  Always grateful for that!

And lastly in some good and not so good news...

One of the first days of the school holidays, we had a lazy home day. I LOVE pyjama days like this and having all four of us home lazing around is my idea of the perfect day. Until about 2pm when the boys start to get a bit of cabin fever. Anthony kindly got the boys dressed and they headed out of the house for a while. They hadn't been gone more than ten minutes and I did a little tidying up; you know, putting away the odd toy here and there.

As I gathered up some stray pieces of grated cheese on the floor, I felt and heard a disgusting "snap".

My heart sunk and I had a sickening feeling that I had broken some of the metal in my back.

The initial pain wore off rather quickly and I thought perhaps all was ok, but as I started to move around to test for pain, I could hear a creaking and grinding like an old door hinge.
From then on, I was pretty sure I had broken some piece of the hardware.

I arranged some x-rays and they confirmed my inkling and there was indeed a broken titanium rod staring back at me.

My surgeon was away til the end of the school holidays so I had to wait to see him for a couple of weeks but that was alright. I felt everything would be alright in the end.

This isn't the first time I had broken my rods. Four years ago I found out I broke my rods in four places due to my spine not fusing properly like we had hoped. This meant re-doing the entire surgery and fixing up the additional damage.

I knew that if the bone hadn't fused AGAIN, it was definitely another surgery. If the fusion 'appeared' solid (appeared as you can't really tell for certain without opening you up to see), it could just be a smaller surgery, or possibly more of a wait-and-see approach.

Today I saw my surgeon. On the way there, I felt good. My "gut instinct" has become my most proven method for determining a potentially difficult situation in the past and is pretty much always right.

Us religious folk call it "the Spirit" or "the Holy Ghost" guiding us, others may call it "intuition" or just "gut instinct". Whatever your belief, I am thankful I have such guidance. I trust in this feeling.

From the scans I have had done, my fusion appears to be fairly solid. There is certainly a break just above my pelvis and likely a broken screw and the adjacent rod is likely to break as a result, but it is fixable through a smaller surgery. My surgeon asked for some time to formulate the best way to do this as apparently I am a bit of a difficult case - I just like to be unique :)

So whilst it is possible I may be soon heading into the operating theatre sooner than I would like, I am thankful it won't be as big as my previous two surgeries and that it can be sorted. I am thankful.

I know its kind of gross but here is my lumbar spine xrays (if you are good at reading x-rays you can spot the break on the right hand rod).