The secret

I had an early morning doctors appointment Saturday morning.  I booked an appointment with the first available on a whim, as I get scalp psoriasis sometimes and it has been bugging me.  My regular GP takes 3 weeks to get into so for minor things I just see whoever suits my schedule.

When I arrived, I waited a short time and was called in.  I had never seen this doctor before, but he seemed pleasant and professional so I didn't waste much time in telling him why I was there and that I was interested in seeing if treatment options for psoriasis have changed/improved over the last few years.

My psoriasis is annoying and has spread as of late, but in the past the treatments were more of a hassle than the actual condition so I have tolerated it whilst it stayed relatively stable.

The doctor explained the treatments he thought would be worth trying and before filling out a prescription he asked if I am taking and medications, in case they would interfere with the treatment.

I listed the 6 medications I take.  I explained some are dependent on symptom severity (nerve pain killers) and others are round the clock.

Due to some of them being very strong medications that I need two doctors to approve them every 3 months as well as approval from Canberra, he asked me what I was taking each medication for.

After trying to give the shortened version of why I take them, he shook his head and said;

"Wow!  You have certainly got a lot on your plate.  It's rare I see someone your age with such health problems, yet you look healthy in the outside."

I politely laughed because there isn't really a response to that comment. I don't feel like my health leaves me with "a lot on my plate", it's just my normal.  I really can't remember it being any different.He went on typing and after a few minutes of silence passed he paused and turned to me.  With a serious look on his face he said;

"I'm sorry, I know this is a bit of a strange thing to ask, but you just seem so calm and happy but I know you would have to be in a lot of pain right now and I know what else you are dealing with....but how is it that you are happy with your situation?  I just really want to know what is your secret?"

Now I get this comment every now and again with people commenting that I seem happy despite being in pain and having seizures etc, but I just laugh it off or say I must be nuts, but this doctor was looking at me like he really wanted a serious answer so an awkward laugh wouldn't have cut it.

Instead, I opened my mouth and said the first thing that came out;

"My secret, is time.  Time heals things that medicine can't sometimes I guess."

He nodded and kept staring so I added on;

 "Not that I'm physically better at all, I'm sore every minute of every day, but what seemed like the hardest thing in the world a while ago is actually not so hard now because I have had time to adjust, but more so because I am stronger mentally now."

He nodded and went on writing and wished me well, but before I left the room he apologised for not being able to do more for me.

I wish now I could have explained myself better. I wish I could have said that there is no secret.  Time really changes your perspective if you let it.  I seem happy and calm because I truly feel happy and calm with my lot in life.  I have my days and moments of course and I'm not saying it's not difficult, but in many ways I have all I could have hoped for.  It is truly hard to be down about the things that haven't turned out how I would have liked when I also have so much to be grateful for.

Pogo parents

Every Sunday we go to church.  There is time dedicated to kids activities and classes, but the first hour is for families all together and it's very quiet so we can listen to the speakers.  

Before I had children of my own, I envisioned that each week for that one hour, MY children would sit quietly and listen, or read, or draw, but they would remain in their seats and not make a big fuss.  I have 4 younger siblings and was good with children so I was confident I could make this "happen" when my turn rolled around.  

Fast forward a decade and it appeared we were on a pogo stick with the amount of getting up and down to take Carter out that was going on.  He was loud, restless, wanting to entertain those around him, and NEVER sitting in his seat.  Despite our best efforts, I got to the point where I truly believed that the two of us may never be able to stay in church for the whole hour because of Mr Tarts.

But we have persisted.  The expectations have remained the same, even if they weren't reached, we figured it was better to keep the goal rather than giving up:  

Some time has passed since those days and today I looked at our boys and realised that for a good year or so now, we get to stay in church.  There might be a toilet break, but other than that they are quiet (enough) and in their seats. They may read, or draw with a pen, but that's about it and it's enough for them.  The goal was finally achieved, not by lowering the bar, but by sticking at it, week after week, year after year.

It's not perfect, but that saying "this too shall pass" rings true, provided you add a little something on the end:

"This too shall pass, with a bit of effort and patience".

It's only been 11 years?

  Anthony and I have been married 11 years today.  It has both sped by and felt like it's always been this way at the same time.  

Anthony makes me happy every day.  Not all day, every day (that would be unrealistic and a huge expectation to put on another person), but definitely every day.  Sometimes it's specific events, other times it's just that content feeling of knowing I have someone pretty great to love and knowing that he loves me back.

Throughout the different stages of our relationship, the ways I appreciate being shown love have changed. Early on I really appreciate the time made to just be with me and the public shows of affection as in the early stages it feels like your relationship is very public and on show. 

After we were married, it was still time, as well as the little things that showed me how much Anthony loved and appreciated the person I really am as the newly wed stage means you are still learning a lot about each other. Once we had babies and toddlers in the house it was sleep.  Nothing else mattered.  Currently it's seeing how much Anthony puts my best interest and the interest of our family first.  He isn't concerned with appearance or image, he is concerned with the well being and happiness of his family.  Well....that and my love obsession with food.  My passion for food covers a multitude of different food types, depending on what I am into at that particular time.  One item, however, has been hard to come by so still remains high on my list of most loved and prized food types.

I love cheese popcorn.  The pre-made kind with cheese flavoured powder on it. You can get microwave cheese popcorn, and I enjoy it (even though it stinks out the microwave), but it's not the same as the kind you get already made up in a bag.  

The problem is, it's pretty tough to come by cheese popcorn.  At Christmas time, Anthony found a few bags being sold at The Reject Shop and he bought me 3 bags.  Once he knew I liked them (I ate 3 bags in 2 days), he went back and got more.  Those bags lasted another few days but when he went back, there were none left. We checked if there were more in stock and it turns out it's a discontinued product and once it's gone, it's gone.  

Knowing how devastated this would make me, after some enquiries Anthony found a Reject Shop about a forty minute drive away had 15 bags in stock and he jumped straight in the car to buy them for me.  All 15 of them. 

That's the kind of guy he is.

Around the same time, he took Carter out shopping and Carter (who is a WWE fanatic) wanted to wear his championship wrestling belt to the shop, and he asked Anthony to wear one too.  So being the good sport he is, Anthony spent over an hour walking around a crowded shopping complex wearing a child's wrestling belt.  

That's just the kind of guy he is. 

They aren't exactly 'big' things, but they matter to me. To have a husband who knows the way to my heart is very much through my stomach, and that part of what makes me love him so much is seeing how much he loves our boys.  

That's the sort of guy I want - and I've got it.

Sun and games

This summer has been crazy with the chopping and changing in the weather.

We finally made it to to beach for the first time on Monday and we only stayed for an hour, but of course I got burnt.  It's a few days later, but I've got a lovely pinkish tan to show for myself. 

The next day we got to have a visit from my brother, sister-in-law, and niece before they headed off home to Qld.  It was very warm weather still so we thought a trip to Yoghurtland was in order. There is a Timezone right near Yoghurtland and it was calling to our children so in we went.  

Whilst in Timezone, there was a father with his daughter who were walking hand in hand.  The girl looked about 10 to 12 years old, and I thought it was really sweet to see them holding hands.  When the turned around, I saw the father was blind, as he was holding a cane and was sticking very close to his daughter as she led him through the maze of games.  He mustn't have had any sight at all as he bumped into a few of the machines. 

Right in front of where I was sitting was an air hockey table.  The daughter asked her dad if they could play and then situated him in front of one of the goals and placed the plastic handle you hit the puck with in one if his hands. 

I was so amazed with this father who was managing so well out and about despite the challenge of not being able to see, and even more impressed that he wasn't just there as a responsible parent, he was there to join in and play with his daughter.  Despite this though, I couldn't help but think that playing air hockey may not have been the best choice of game with an opponent who couldn't see - one player was clearly disadvantaged. 

I watched on as the daughter scored a few goals and her father used his hands to feel where his goal was to try and defend but wasn't having much luck.  It was even harder for him to know when to try and hit the puck as there was no way of knowing when or in which direction it was coming.

The daughter was laughing and cheering and it made me smile to see how much fun she was having.  But then she did something that made me realise what a lovely girl she must be.

Her father managed to hit the puck in her direction and she grabbed it and quickly pushed it into her goal. She happily shouted;

"Dad you did it! You got it in - well done!"

He beamed and laughed. They continued to play and whilst she continued to try and score goals, she also 'helped' her dad by leaving her goal unguarded or trying to push the puck in here and there.  

The game ended with her winning by several goals.  I think if she didn't win her father would clearly have known she was letting him win, but it was important to this young girl that her father got to score a goal or two.

I used to do that with our children, sometimes I still do. We play a game and I don't always try my best, I 'let' them score a few extra points because being so much older is clearly an advantage.

I want them to feel some of the joy that comes with competing and not being thrashed.  Parents often put their children's interest ahead of their own, but it was so beautiful to watch this young girl doing the same with her father.

No one wishes for challenges and trials, but this father was making the best of his situation, and it was also helping his daughter to grow into a kind, compassionate human being.  Sometimes the best examples can be the little people in our lives. 

Sometimes, I can be a jerk

I was in Spotlight yesterday morning to get bits and pieces for a Christmas present I have been sewing.  I missed my bus so thought I would wander on in. 

Actually, I'm lying. 

The truth is I missed my bus BECAUSE I was in Spotlight. I had about 12 minutes til the next bus came and my stop is out the front of Spotlight so I figured the perfect way to spend 12 minutes is grabbing the 2 items I needed and heading out.  

Next thing I know, 42 minutes have passed and if I don't kick it into high gear and get to the register, I will be missing a second bus home! 

I love Spotlight and try to limit my trips there as it is a time vacuum for me.  I think I could spend hours there quite happily. Perhaps even have a little nap on one of their display beds. Snack on some sour peach hearts. Have a cold beverage from the fridge near the registers.  See - I have it all planned.  

During my time there yesterday, the entire 42 minutes I have was there, somewhere in the store there was a young girl throwing a tantrum.  She cried and yelled the entire time!!  It was the kind of yelling you could hear wherever you were in the store. 

At first I felt sorry for the mother.  Most parents have had the pleasure of dealing with a toddler and understand they aren't known for their ability to listen to reason. They just react and they don't care whether they have an audience or not.

I crossed paths with the mother and the *cough cough* darling child. The little girl was on the floor shrieking. Her mother tried to continue her shopping paying her no attention.  Perhaps she had lost the gift of hearing with such a raucous going on in such close proximity to her. There was also a grandmother there too, and in my sympathetic moment I felt glad that the mother had another person there for moral support. 

About 10 minutes passed and the tantrum had not let up even the tiniest bit. I could hear it clear as day from the other side of the store.  My thoughts turned from sympathy to:

"Wow! That kid is STILL going! Isn't she tired out yet? I need that kind of energy.  Just think of all the projects I could get done. Although it would cost a fortune, and it's already dangerous enough for my bank account that I am here in Spotlight for these few minutes.....damn it!! I think I have missed my bus. Oh well, will just get the next one in half an hour - yay, more browsing time."

As I moved on to another aisle, the screaming continued.  Another woman in the same aisle shook her head and muttered something disapproving.  Determined to at least appear non-judgemental, I just smiled back.  

A little more time passed and I again crossed paths with the mother and her child (demon). This time she was lying on the floor being dragged as she clung to her mothers leg as her mother tried to go about her business.  It was at this point that I began to really question her as a parent. I am embarrassed to admit that in that moment, a wave of superiority washed over me as I mentally patted myself on the back for never having had to drag my child across the floor in any shop as they screamed and cried.  This lady obviously didn't know how to handle her child and needed to take control of this situation as it was ruining the sanctuary that is Spotlight. 

Another shopper and I made eye contact and she rolled her eyes as a means of expressing her disapproval for the mother's handling of her child.  I nodded in silent agreement and she said;

"My goodness, so much for shopping in peace!"

Now, I don't think that Spotlight promises peaceful shopping anywhere as part of their advertising campaign, but this woman clearly felt her shopping experience had been destroyed.  

More than half an hour had passed by this point and with the tantrum still in full swing, I came to the conclusion that this mother clearly has no idea what she is doing and that her daughter must just be a spoilt brat who is used to getting her own way. 

As luck would have it, as I joined the long queue up at the registers, the screamer and her mother joined the line behind me.  What a treat for my ear drums that was! I could see the mother was actively ignoring the tantrum going on right next to her, and knowing this was her method of dealing with the situation, I looked down my nose and observed that this method clearly wasn't working and anyone with half a brain would have clued on to this and tried something else by now. 

Now I try to be very honest in my blogs, partly because I want this to be a true record of my life, and partly because I want people to see me as someone who is very much human and flawed.  I don't feel the need to have it all together at this point in my life because I'm not a finished product yet, I'm a work in progress. But yesterday, I was a judgemental jerk to a fellow mother (not out loud, but in my head) and I climbed up on my high horse and rode it proudly. 

But how quickly I was knocked down! 

As we waited in line, the little girl stopped crying and screaming and all that was left was a small whimper. I turned to see if the tantrum had stopped or if I had in fact gone deaf.  What I saw made me ashamed of myself. The mother bent down and calmly said;

"Are you finished now? I hope you can see that behaving in that way will not get you what you want.  Now let's finish up and head off home for lunch."

The little girl nodded and they quietly finished paying and left. 

I realised here that this mother knew what she was doing. Her own sense of pride took a beating no doubt, but her priority was not the opinion of her fellow shoppers, it was training her daughter to learn the correct way to behave and that negative behaviour will not get you anywhere.  She had obviously set a standard and she stuck to her guns.  

It seemed like a lose/lose scenario as if she gave in when the tantrum kicked off, she would look like a push over parent who indulged her child. On the other hand, by not giving attention to her daughter's tantrum, she was seen as a parent who had zero control of her child. 

It may be lose/lose now, but in the years to come I hope people pat her on the back for raising a child who isn't rude, entitled, and spoilt.  I hope they can see the work she put in training her daughter well.  It's the road less travelled these days, and generally the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason - it's damn hard! 

I wish I actually told her how well I think she handled that teaching moment, but more so I'm grateful for the teaching moment for myself on not being so quick to judge. 

Seeing what is there

Today is the birthday of the man I have loved for over 11 years. He makes me laugh daily, tells me I'm beautiful daily, shows gratitude to me daily, and bugs me only sometimes 😉

He has many gifts, one being his ability to understand many things. He doesn't just understand though, he can articulate and explain in a way that makes him a wonderful teacher.

After waking to watch a 2am All Black game, he was happy they won, but obviously tired. He still willingly agreed to teach my youth Sunday School class for me.  He can come up with a WAY better lesson than I can with very little notice.

A question was asked by one of the youth in the class. She was wondering why Jewish people didn't recognise Jesus Christ as the Saviour. 

Anthony explained that they were looking for someone to save them. A deliverer.  Perhaps someone who would free them with the grandeur of Moses freeing the people from Egypt.  

But Christ came into the world in the most humble of circumstances.  He was known as the carpenters son. He wasn't a great political leader who could offer them the freedom they sought.  He preached "turn the other cheek".  They didn't recognise His greatness.

Anthony's words made me think.  We miss greatness all the time.  In those around us, in our loved ones.  Their greatness can be missed when we see their flaws, their simply being human.    I miss greatness in the people I love most when I see the negative more than the positive.  Or when I scold rather than speak with kindness and patience.  I miss greatness all the time. 

I see greatness in my husband.  There is no grandeur, and he doesn't like a lot of public recognition, but he is great.

Well done Mr Bush....well done.

Anthony is the sort of guy who doesn't like to be the centre of attention.  He doesn't like a big fuss.  

Well Sweetheart, tough luck! Brace yourself because....IT'S FUSS TIME!!!

These last 10 weeks have been pretty exhausting in the Bush household.  We have been both looking forward to and dreading this time for some time now.  For a while now, Anthony has been studying his Secondary Teaching degree.   This is no small feat, as Anthony is also the sole financial provider in our home.  It's a choice we made years ago, and one we continue to make now, but it doesn't come without its own blessings and challenges. Studying whilst working to provide for your family, whilst raising two sons, and being a wonderful husband has been one heck of a juggling act.

 Now, aside from the obvious delight it is being married to me, it also comes with the challenges of my health issues.  This has meant that many times throughout our marriage, Anthony has had to be both Mum AND Dad.  He has not once complained.  When it comes to being a father, he is amazingly 'hands-on'.  I hear some fathers refer to caring for their children as 'helping out' their wife.  Anthony doesn't agree with this and simply refers to it as 'being a parent'.  But during the last few years, he has had both our share of parenting at times, as well as working and studying.  He's pretty awesome like that.  

At the end of a teaching degree, there is a ten week unpaid internship that is like the final hurdle.  There are shorter and less demanding teaching pracs earlier on in the degree, but ten weeks whilst still studying, and being a parent, and trying to make a living has been something we were nervously anticipating.  Me not being able to drive made this even more challenging - perfect timing as always.

 

But tomorrow is the final day of that ten weeks.  

Anthony has an incredible gift for teaching.  I have known this for a long time now and knew that Anthony would do an amazing job on his Internship.  The challenge would be the logistics in juggling it.  There was a mixture of excitement and nerves as to how our little family would manage.  Now I think I speak for both of us when I say it has been exhausting (the dark circles under our eyes will bear witness to that).  The thing is, it has also been a really uniting thing to be working together for something that we all believe in.  Our family has had a common, unified goal for the past ten weeks.  It has been in our thoughts, our discussions, and our prayers.  We have all tried to do our part to make it work, and it has.  It's almost unbelievable that it's over.

I can't express enough how proud I am of the man I love.  He has worked hard for years and now that he is at the finish line, I am so excited for him to be able to share his talents with the students he works with.  It is something that comes so naturally to him.  It is where he shines.  

Congratulations my sweetheart - feel the weight lifted xxx