I have been somewhat absent from my blog as of late. I write it as a record of my thoughts, feelings, and the goings on of my life, but as of late, I didn't want to write my thoughts and feelings. I couldn't put my finger on why. It just didn't seem to come like it normally does.
I am booked for more spinal surgery. Come February 2013 I am going under the knife yet again. I need to get some hardware removed and replaced and some new bits added on to stabilize the broken area. This surgery will go from the middle of my back to my pelvis and whilst not being as large as my previous operations, it is still not something I look forward to nonetheless.
I feel like the topic of my back dominates a lot of my conversations and my life and I myself get sick of hearing and thinking about it, but as much as I would like to stop thinking about it, it keeps rearing its ugly head again and again.
In thinking about why I haven't yet written my thoughts and feelings on this upcoming event, I realized it was because I was confused in my feelings.
I hate the idea of more surgery. But I also have something inside me telling me it will all be ok.
I believe part of why we face challenges in life is to experience all facets of mortality, but also to grow as a person.
I learnt and grew a lot with my first spinal fusion. I wasn't keen on a second and more extensive surgery, but the challenged changed me somehow - I'm hoping it was for the better :)
The thing I wonder though, is why is this same challenge before me again? I see how the past experiences were tough and I grew because of it, but I wonder why the same thing over and over again? Have I missed something? Did I not learn what I was supposed to?
When I think about this, I get a real sense of peace that although not easy, it will be ok. I have felt this before. This feeling obviously didn't mean that my back will be completely fine, as I have required more surgery down the track. It also hasn't meant that I won't have to deal with pain, as it is constant still.
But Anthony said something a while ago that comes to my mind now. This is not something I will be able to overcome in this life. It seems my back will always be an issue. The challenge isn't overcoming, it will be enduring.
So perhaps it's not that I 'missed' anything the last two times, it just that this is something to endure. This is the hand I was dealt and although it's tough, there are many other 'hands' I could not cope with. So I will take it and endure it well- with a little help of course :)