I have been somewhat absent from my blog as of late. I write it as a record of my thoughts, feelings, and the goings on of my life, but as of late, I didn't want to write my thoughts and feelings. I couldn't put my finger on why. It just didn't seem to come like it normally does.
I am booked for more spinal surgery. Come February 2013 I am going under the knife yet again. I need to get some hardware removed and replaced and some new bits added on to stabilize the broken area. This surgery will go from the middle of my back to my pelvis and whilst not being as large as my previous operations, it is still not something I look forward to nonetheless.
I feel like the topic of my back dominates a lot of my conversations and my life and I myself get sick of hearing and thinking about it, but as much as I would like to stop thinking about it, it keeps rearing its ugly head again and again.
In thinking about why I haven't yet written my thoughts and feelings on this upcoming event, I realized it was because I was confused in my feelings.
I hate the idea of more surgery. But I also have something inside me telling me it will all be ok.
I believe part of why we face challenges in life is to experience all facets of mortality, but also to grow as a person.
I learnt and grew a lot with my first spinal fusion. I wasn't keen on a second and more extensive surgery, but the challenged changed me somehow - I'm hoping it was for the better :)
The thing I wonder though, is why is this same challenge before me again? I see how the past experiences were tough and I grew because of it, but I wonder why the same thing over and over again? Have I missed something? Did I not learn what I was supposed to?
When I think about this, I get a real sense of peace that although not easy, it will be ok. I have felt this before. This feeling obviously didn't mean that my back will be completely fine, as I have required more surgery down the track. It also hasn't meant that I won't have to deal with pain, as it is constant still.
But Anthony said something a while ago that comes to my mind now. This is not something I will be able to overcome in this life. It seems my back will always be an issue. The challenge isn't overcoming, it will be enduring.
So perhaps it's not that I 'missed' anything the last two times, it just that this is something to endure. This is the hand I was dealt and although it's tough, there are many other 'hands' I could not cope with. So I will take it and endure it well- with a little help of course :)
Jo, you are a shining light to many if us who would like to complain about our trials. Perhaps this is another reason you face this trial yet again. As you soldier on, you give many others the strength to do the same. You may think you don't do it well, but you really show the rest of us how it's done and we take heart from you that we can continue and find great joy in the journey. Love you and your gorgeous family. Our love and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog Jo! It's so inspiring just like you. I went through a similar thought process with my life - completely different trial but a hard one for me & no matter how well I'd done overcoming it sooner or later it would crop up again. I began to wonder what I was doing wrong that I had to keep struggling and getting through the same thing over and over. Then one day I was thinking about a special blessing of mine which promised if I was successful then the difficulties in my life would teach me fortitude. It seemed an important thing for me to learn so I looked up the exact definition, it is "strength of mind which allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage" - so without repetition there is no endurance, with endurance there is no development of fortitude. You are such a perfect example of fortitude to me. You are strength and courage and a smile to top it off. Thanks for sharing Jo, I love you. Sharon
ReplyDeleteWow Jo. Rachel & I have nothing but the greatest respect & admiration for you & Anthony. We were discussing your "dealt hand", when we returned from our visit & we definitely would be handling your ongoing situation A LOT differently. Your strength, mentally, physically, & most importantly spiritually, has always seemed so solid & unwavering. NOW, after reading this entry it just confirms what we have always thought. For myself, I learn so much from your continued perseverance & ENDURANCE. Thanks Jo! Your husband is one lucky man, to have you to share these great character building experiences with. You two will be a force to be reckoned with in the life to come!
ReplyDeleteAll our love & best wishes to you & yours.
I feel so proud to say that you're my sister. I love you Jo. I know this is all a part of Heavenly Father's plan, but I still struggle with watching you endure this knowing it's a life long battle. You're so undeserving of all this pain and frustrating, however I know there are big blessing and rewards for you and your family. You are very deserving of these blessings. The saviour had a pretty rough and painful life, but he was also blessed so much more. And you're right up there with him. So wonderful but still a reason to have suffering and probably just for the benefit of those around you. You're already pretty perfect in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteJoanne, I've asked myself many times over your life why you've had to go through all of this. You came into this world with a deep calmness and serenity about you, probably knowing you would have these trials and they are for a wise purpose. Every challenge you have had, you have endured so well, with a heart full of patience. You are such a Christlike example to me and all whose lives you touch. All you have to do is continue on just the way you are, living a life full of love, sweetness, patience and kindness. I know the Saviour has you in the palm of His hand and his angels are and will be about you to bear you up :)Love you so much, Mum oxoxox
ReplyDeleteHope your surgery went well. You have to trust and have faith that things will turn out fine.
ReplyDeleteJust clicked on your home blog off mmb yesterday. Today I came back to look at the posts you specifically recommended. This was really beautiful. And kind of gave me one of those ah-hah moments that are more like a reminder -- like "silly, Nancy, you always just want to have a trial wrapped up and done with" but I had forgotten that much of what we are learning is how to endure, and that that is what the actual trial might be. I loved reading the comments from your loved ones as well -- loved the idea of developing fortitude. Thanks.
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