Every up has a down, and every down has an up.

Life as of late has felt surreal.  I feel as though I live in two worlds.  There is the world where I still do laundry, still make meals for my family, still pay the same bills by the same due date, and where I go to work at the same desk like nothing has changed. 

But my life is also very different.  I bring one son to work with me to oversee his school work while I work (I am so thankful to have a boss willing to let me give this a go).  My other son does his school work online at home while Anthony teaches online.  We don’t go anywhere we don’t absolutely need to go.  There is no school run, no trips out to Yoghurtland, no after school sport, and no going to church.

The world is going through a collective change.  It’s certainly challenging.  But the slower, quieter pace of life has allowed my mind to slow down a little too.

I was able to sit with Carter as he wrote a story last night, in red pencil of course - red is his favourite.  The story involved two boys having a crush on the same girl.  A mix of both love and rivalry - Carter to a ‘t’.  Carter has a heart bigger than his body.  He feels emotions big, both the positive and the challenging.  He apologises quickly and forgives in a second.  He is very imaginative and can play with his marbles for a good hour or so, but he doesn’t play marbles in the traditional sense, he lines them up as rugby or soccer teams, they sing the national anthem, and then kick off and play a game, complete with a white marble as the referee.  I have really enjoyed watching him and learning more of how his mind works. 

Tony and I were able to laugh and giggle at silly, insignificant things late into the night when he would normally be asleep.  We sit next to each other on the couch teasing one another, he is quick witted and “gets” my humour.  I see my humour mirrored back at me in him.  He is quiet, but a friend to anyone who seeks his company.  Tony is a deep thinker, is hard on himself, yet capable in ways he can’t see in himself.  He is snappy when stressed, but feels guilty when he recognises his behaviour and hovers around trying to make it up to us.  I love that we have a bit more time in the evening to watch movies that I loved and that he is old enough to appreciate he understand.  

Anthony has still been very busy with work, but it’s nice having him home more.  Just having his presence in our home makes me happy.  Today as I sat with Anthony watching a movie, his arm around me, I realised that every single day for over 15 years, he has told me I am beautiful.  He has made me feel loved every single day.  Even days where we have been cranky with one another, he still makes me feel loved.  I don’t quite know how he does it, but I feel it.  He is my safe place and my happy place all in one.  

I hope when all this is over, I will appreciate the freedoms in life that I have taken for granted but have been taken from us for a season.  However, more than that, I hope I don’t get so caught up in life being busy again that I miss the little things that are standing out to me more now that life is quieter.  I guess that’s up to me though. 

Tickets

I had pretty good teenage years overall.  Even now when I think about it, my memories are of having a lot of fun with my friends, working hard, being tired a lot, but overall pretty good.  

But the more I think about it, I start to remember other stuff.  The best way I can describe it is that I think I had a hard time accepting myself.  I didn’t feel beautiful.  I didn’t feel popular.  I didn’t feel very special.  The gift of hind sight provides me with the insight that a lot of those feeling weren’t coming from people around me...it was coming from me.  

I had a lot of great friends.  My family are still some of my closest friends. I was never bullied.  I got along well with guys as well as girls.  I was told a lot of kind and loving things from the people that surrounded me.  I also believed I had a Heavenly Father who loved me too.  

It took me many years to learn that no matter how many nice things others tell you, how kind they treat you, or how many friends/boyfriends you have...how you feel about yourself really does have to come from inside yourself.  

I know that being treated nastily by others absolutely destroys confidence and causes damage and suffering that can last decades.  We have a responsibility to treat others with gentleness, as one careless comment could be all it takes to confirm the insecurities an individual perceives in themselves.  

 But it is now at the ripe old age of 35 I am going to do something I don’t feel particularly comfortable doing.  It’s time to change how I speak about myself.   I am going to focus on my good.  I have spent 35 years comfortably highlighting my negative traits, sometimes in seriousness and sometimes with humour.  It’s easy for me to do.  But it’s challenging to publicly voice the qualities that I have worked hard to develop.  It feels cocky even acknowledging them.  But my journey so far has shaped and moulded me and I appreciate all my life has given me. 

So here goes.....

At 35 years old, I have a body that is strong.  I used to view it as weak and frail, but I now know my body is tough.  It endures pain 24/7 and it manages to keep going.  It works so hard and I haven’t always appreciated that and given credit where it is due.  I don’t need it to be perfectly toned and flab-free to appreciate the body I have been given.  

I am reliable.  I try really hard to make sure if I say I will do something or be somewhere, I will follow through.  For my word to mean something really matters to me.  Sometimes life gets in the way and makes it challenging to be reliable, but I will always call if something unexpected pops up and I can’t follow through with my commitment. 

I am resourceful.  I am capable of solving problems, sorting out jobs that need doing, and getting things done.  In fact, even though problems can be challenging and stressful, I find a really sense of satisfaction in finding a solution to a problem.

I feel like I can read people fairly well.  Not what they say or what they do, but just being around someone I feel like I can gage what kind of person they are.  This has been a gift in my life that has really been a huge blessing.  

I’m an introvert, but I still enjoy being around people.  I don’t do well with large groups and need some quiet, alone time after socialising to recharge, so I know I am an introvert, but I’m comfortable with this.  I much prefer chatting with people I’m small groups and genuinely enjoy the company of others. 

I think I’m rather easily pleased. Home really is my happy place and I don’t need a lot to make me happy, just some good food and a comfy couch and my boys.   It brings me a lot of joy that I am content with my lot in life. 

There you have it.

I don’t mention these qualities to toot my own horn, rather I want to acknowledge them because when I see the big picture it makes me appreciate who I am and to view myself in a kinder, more positive light.  It provides a healthier self image - and I think that is something the world is screaming for.  Not the kind of self image people readily post on social media, I’m referring to GENUINE feelings of self worth that run deep and won’t be shaken by the careless words of others.  

I know who I am now, and that’s pretty cool.