Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Those were not the days

As a teenager, I always felt so much bigger than all my friends. I felt bigger in height AND in weight. I have been the same height since I was 13, meaning at 13 I was 175cm. Many of my friends hadn’t really gone through growth spurts yet and were much shorter than I was. I was also about 60kg at this age and even though this sounds like pretty good proportions to me as an adult, as a young teenager, I felt huge when in PE we had to work out our BMI and many of my friends were closer to 45kg.

More than a decade down the track, I can see how silly it was to think my weight should have been the same when I was so much taller. I see that we had different builds and I was never going to be on the petite side.

But I just couldn’t help but compare myself, and the more I did, the worse I felt about myself.

I am now 27. I am still 175cm and even though my weight is actually slightly under my 13 year old weight, I still look in the mirror and see much I would like to change. I see the little pudgy bit under my belly button a lot of us have post-baby (or just post big meal in my case). I see that one of my thighs is bigger than the other. I see that I still get the odd pimple. I know I get tongue tied speaking in public and end up all red-faced and flushed. I laugh when I’m scared or worried. I am petrified of approaching anyone I don’t already know. All the insecurities of adolescence have never left.

I am now wise enough to know that no matter how skinny I was, or how perfect my skin and hair was, I would still find parts of myself that I still didn’t like. I would still be comparing myself with my friends and the faces on the magazine covers and wishing for their legs, hair, skin,
voice, patience, ability to speak well in public, and the list goes on and on.

It has been brought to my attention a few times in recent weeks that comparisons like this are often unfair. When we sit in church and struggle to keep our children quiet and still, I don’t seem to notice anyone else also struggling with their children, I only notice those who have children resembling perfect angels. I never seem to notice any mess in ANYONE else’s home, just the good aspects and my mind turns to the pile of laundry overtaking my bedroom and the Tupperware cupboard I am too afraid to open as the containers are all pounced, ready to jump out at me. It seems to be the way that we compare what we believe to be our worst with others’ best.

Seems rather pointless really.

But ultimately, even if I stop comparing myself to those around me, I know I probably will still be wishing for a flatter stomach, shinier hair, whiter teeth, and whatever else I want but don’t have. Seems there is still plenty of teenager left in me after all.

2 comments:

  1. Don't worry, Alfalfa. I used to have the same problem. I was bigger than all my friends weight/height, but my young teenage mind couldn't justify being heavier. Silly girls! I'm sure there's not one girl who would say "there's nothing I would change about my physical appearance".
    You're beautiful Jo, in plenty more ways than most people. The combination of a kind person and a beautiful looking person is rare to find, but killer. Lucky girl :)

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  2. I LOVE that photo of you Joanne! Yes, there is plenty of teenager in you becuase you look as young as a teenager still! You are so beautiful and always have been.
    Mumxxxx

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