Go directly to jail, do not pass go.

I just need to take this moment to explain myself here.  In the case I become a suspect in some kind of criminal plot, I know I do indeed look suspicious, but I’m innocent - I swear!  I’m just a really good multitasker, so good in fact that I can almost sleep AND shop all at the same time. 

A few weekends back we had my sister in law and her family come up to visit one Saturday.  Whilst they were here we were chatting away, looking after the kids, and trying to decide what we felt like eating.  

Then mid-conversation I had a sudden flash of memory from the night before and I couldn’t quite tell whether it was part of my dream, or it had indeed happened.  

I recalled bits of me looking online in the middle of the night.  I just wasn’t sure if I was remembering reality, or dream.  

The pain killers I am on constantly can make me wake in the middle of the night sometimes and I will be wide awake for 30-60 minutes, but then be fast asleep again all of a sudden.  It’s a bit of an annoyance, but I will just watch a show or read an online article to keep me from thinking too much about the sleep I’m missing and eventually I’m fast asleep again.  The alternative is not to take the medication, but then I won’t sleep at all because of the pain.  Obviously, I would prefer the broken sleep.

I had a vague recollection of reading about women in NY who felt they needed to take safety measures when going running.  I also had some memory of shopping online.  

I opened my online account and to my horror I found I had indeed been shopping.  Thankfully it wasn’t anything expensive (even half asleep I am a cheapskate), but it wasn’t clothes, or makeup, or stuff for the boys I had been buying.  NOPE.  My account showed I had bought pepper spray and a knife!  

It wasn’t like a little Swiss Army pocket knife either - it was a black switch blade knife!  I also noted that in my sleepy haze I had made sure to select the “large” size option.  

A moment of concern came over me when I realised I don’t even know if these are legal to bring into Australia, however I felt assured that surely customs would pick it up if not and even if I got in any trouble, I felt my history of not having any need for weapons would hopefully clear me.  

Well, a few weeks passed, but over the past few days my dodgy purchases began to arrive.  First, was this pretty little purple tube that looks innocent enough, but it is in fact pepper spray!  I have had to hide this as Carter has a love of cologne and I could picture his spraying himself with it in an attempt to win over the ‘ladies’. 

Then today, a second package arrived.  The label didn’t specifically say “big black knife enclosed” on it, but I wasn’t expecting anything else so I cautiously tried to open the package.   

Ironically enough I found myself struggling to open the package and had to go get a knife to open it.

Inside was this little blue box.

Looks innocent enough right?  Could be a cute harmonica or something inside.  Even the baby blue is misleading.  I opened it up find this.....

I can’t figure out why I’m the world I thought I would need this!  I opened it and flicked the little lever that flicks the blade out.  It’s certainly sharp, but then I couldn’t even get the blade back in.  I had to search YouTube to find out how to close a switchblade knife.  I’m pretty sure if you are having to google how to close a knife, you probably shouldn’t own, let alone use, said knife.

Just to ensure I am a good, upstanding citizen, I contacted customs to ask about my newly acquired items.  The woman I spoke to simply told me that every package is checked and scanned by customs and that if I have received it, they must have said it’s okay.  Not sure where that leaves me, but she assured me I have done my part by letting them know.

Since these purchases, the same app is recommending “items we think you might like” for me to buy.  They include a ring with a knife that pops out of it, and a nice pink knife for women. Thanks, but no thanks.

Either way, I think it’s best I remove the app from my phone as it’s clearly too easy for me to shop without any real thought during the night.  

A tragedy...of sorts

After 13 years of being a parent, there are still frequent moments that remind me I really don’t know what I’m doing.  It really highlights to me that I have a job that I’m hugely under qualified for.  I guess that’s why the pay is a big, fat, zero!

Last month I brought Carter a new night light.  His previous one had stopped working so I popped out to Kmart and bought a little nightlight in the shape of a cloud.  Of course Carter being Carter meant he instantly loved it and was talking away to his little light and hugging it and giving it a tour of his bedroom.  It was all very cutesy and adorable.  

Come bed time, I unknowingly ruined all the adorable-ness.  Perhaps my nighttime judgement is somewhat impaired.  Or maybe what seemed like a good idea at the time, in hindsight is a terrible idea that I somehow missed.  Who knows! 

Once tucked in bed, Carter started asking me questions about his new night light.  He had named him, rather appropriately, Cloudy.  He asked me if Cloudy liked his new room.  I told him Cloudy can’t talk, but I made him nod in affirmation.  Carter then asked if he was sad to leave Kmart, so I made him shake as if to be saying “no”.  This is where it all went downhill as I answered Carter’s questions for Cloudy with nods and shakes.

Carter: “Cloudy, do you have a Mum?”

Cloudy: “Yes”.

Carter: “Are you sad you are away from her?”

Cloudy: “No” 

Carter: “Did you have to leave your Dad?”

Cloudy: “No”

Carter: “Why? Was he already gone?”

Cloudy: “Yes”

Carter: “Did he abandon you when you were little?”

*I must say here that I thought that was a bit much for a little cloud night light and figured I should say no*

Cloudy: “No”

Carter: “Is he is prison?”

*again, didn’t seem quite right*

Cloudy: “No”

Carter: “Is he dead?”

Cloudy: “Yes”.

Now it is at this point that I must admit I can see this was a poor judgement call.  I’m my mind, abandonment and crime were a bit dark for the life of a young cloud-shaped night light, but for some reason I thought death wouldn’t be as difficult.  I know - stupid! 

Carter: “How did he die?”

I held Cloudy up to my ear and then told Carter his Dad was on the back of a truck being transported to a shop when the truck crashed and the stock was ruined. 

Then came the tears.

Carter was hugging Cloudy, sobbing, with tears running down his cheeks.  By this point, I realised that he likely wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon and I may have made a rather large error.  I tried telling Carter that Cloudy was ok, that he wasn’t sad, that he was so happy to be with Carter, blah, blah, blah.....but the tears kept on coming.  

Then, a stroke of genius! Knowing Carter’s love for detective shows, I told him that Cloudy’s Dad’s body was never actually recovered and so they just THOUGHT he died, but that perhaps we can do an investigation to find out if he survived or not.  

This seemed to do the trick and Carter wiped his eyes and with a bit of hope in his heart he went to sleep.  

I, however, did not get to go to sleep.  Instead, I had to google images of cloud-shaped night lights that I could use to manufacture a “FOUND” poster to use as evidence that Cloudy’s father had in fact survived and so I could get some damn sleep in the coming nights.  

Come morning, I did what all good parents do and faked excitement as I woke Carter to present my findings.  I showed him the poster of a newly found nightlight that had been missing for months and had been discovered on the side of the road at the site of a truck crash several months back.  

Thankfully, Carter bought the story and was genuinely relieved, as was I to know this whole crazy ordeal was coming to an end.  

Even as I write this tale as a record for Carter to read one day in the future, I realise how ridiculous it all sounds.  What began as a simple bedtime conversation took me close to two hours in creating a fake poster and police report. The things we do as parents!! 

I will leave you with the heartwarming image of a young nightlight reunited with his parents....even though he has never left Carter’s bedside table (but don’t anyone dare point that out to Carter!).