I just need to take this moment to explain myself here. In the case I become a suspect in some kind of criminal plot, I know I do indeed look suspicious, but I’m innocent - I swear! I’m just a really good multitasker, so good in fact that I can almost sleep AND shop all at the same time.
A few weekends back we had my sister in law and her family come up to visit one Saturday. Whilst they were here we were chatting away, looking after the kids, and trying to decide what we felt like eating.
Then mid-conversation I had a sudden flash of memory from the night before and I couldn’t quite tell whether it was part of my dream, or it had indeed happened.
I recalled bits of me looking online in the middle of the night. I just wasn’t sure if I was remembering reality, or dream.
The pain killers I am on constantly can make me wake in the middle of the night sometimes and I will be wide awake for 30-60 minutes, but then be fast asleep again all of a sudden. It’s a bit of an annoyance, but I will just watch a show or read an online article to keep me from thinking too much about the sleep I’m missing and eventually I’m fast asleep again. The alternative is not to take the medication, but then I won’t sleep at all because of the pain. Obviously, I would prefer the broken sleep.
I had a vague recollection of reading about women in NY who felt they needed to take safety measures when going running. I also had some memory of shopping online.
I opened my online account and to my horror I found I had indeed been shopping. Thankfully it wasn’t anything expensive (even half asleep I am a cheapskate), but it wasn’t clothes, or makeup, or stuff for the boys I had been buying. NOPE. My account showed I had bought pepper spray and a knife!
It wasn’t like a little Swiss Army pocket knife either - it was a black switch blade knife! I also noted that in my sleepy haze I had made sure to select the “large” size option.
A moment of concern came over me when I realised I don’t even know if these are legal to bring into Australia, however I felt assured that surely customs would pick it up if not and even if I got in any trouble, I felt my history of not having any need for weapons would hopefully clear me.
Well, a few weeks passed, but over the past few days my dodgy purchases began to arrive. First, was this pretty little purple tube that looks innocent enough, but it is in fact pepper spray! I have had to hide this as Carter has a love of cologne and I could picture his spraying himself with it in an attempt to win over the ‘ladies’.
Then today, a second package arrived. The label didn’t specifically say “big black knife enclosed” on it, but I wasn’t expecting anything else so I cautiously tried to open the package.
Ironically enough I found myself struggling to open the package and had to go get a knife to open it.
Inside was this little blue box.
Looks innocent enough right? Could be a cute harmonica or something inside. Even the baby blue is misleading. I opened it up find this.....
I can’t figure out why I’m the world I thought I would need this! I opened it and flicked the little lever that flicks the blade out. It’s certainly sharp, but then I couldn’t even get the blade back in. I had to search YouTube to find out how to close a switchblade knife. I’m pretty sure if you are having to google how to close a knife, you probably shouldn’t own, let alone use, said knife.
Just to ensure I am a good, upstanding citizen, I contacted customs to ask about my newly acquired items. The woman I spoke to simply told me that every package is checked and scanned by customs and that if I have received it, they must have said it’s okay. Not sure where that leaves me, but she assured me I have done my part by letting them know.
Since these purchases, the same app is recommending “items we think you might like” for me to buy. They include a ring with a knife that pops out of it, and a nice pink knife for women. Thanks, but no thanks.
Either way, I think it’s best I remove the app from my phone as it’s clearly too easy for me to shop without any real thought during the night.
No comments:
Post a Comment